Thursday, May 11, 2023

Terror Bears: 40 Years of Return of the Jedi


We called ourselves the Dread Forge.

A squad of ten, working as one. We imagined the Rebels shaking in their foxholes when they heard our boots hit the ground. A highly trained, highly skilled unit of Imperial might, each attuned to our individual strengths and weaknesses, a well-oiled machine of death and destruction. We were, we liked to boast, “forged in dread.”

Thus, the nickname.

The Stormtrooper Corps adhered to specific, unbreakable rules. But if your squad performed well enough, if you and your squadmates showed you were a lethal tool of terror, your superiors would look the other way when it came to your quirks. That’s why we boasted non-reg designations like Cinder, Cap, Therm, and my own, Bolt. That’s why we painted kill streaks and custom marks on our armor—we could pick each other out on a crowded battlefield.

See, the Empire thought it wanted its best and brightest to talk, look, and act the same.

Collective lethality went a long way toward changing that line of thinking.

It’s a good thing Old Palps decided to send us into the meatgrinder on Endor’s moon. If he refused to deploy his best for the final destruction of those Rebel bastards, we would’ve crashed a dropship right into his throne room and given him a piece of our minds. It probably would’ve been an epic fight; we heard the old man could handle himself.

To be perfectly honest, we weren’t really there for the operational glory, such as it was. We’d have the element of surprise and an overwhelming advantage in numbers. But I agreed with Cap—we wanted to be there to wipe that smirk off Solo’s face and add a few dozen names to our kill list. It wouldn’t be much of a contest, definitely not one of our most challenging assignments.

But it was gonna be fun.

Hell, yeah, it was gonna be fun.

 

We were on the periphery of it all, watching from a distance as our guys led the Rebels out of the bunker. Storms, scouties, graybacks, fleeties, olives and blacks all around. Just an overwhelming force surrounding that pitiful little band of Rebels, with AT-STs and speeder bikes there to reinforce how screwed they really were.

Things went straight to Sith real quick.

Pint-size furballs with sticks came from everywhere.

Imperial forces prided themselves on being unflappable amid chaos.

Sometimes, pride takes a spear right in the junk.

 

We called ourselves the Dread Forge.

A squad of ten, working as one. We kept our heads, picked off a few furballs, and ended up getting separated from the rest of the Imperial force. A disciplined unit would’ve radioed back to Ops and made it a priority to reunite with the main force. But our radios were useless; the Rebels must’ve found a way to disrupt our communications. It would undoubtedly make it difficult to coordinate during the battle, but Imperial forces trained for these scenarios. We were the best fighting force in the galaxy.

My squadmates and I didn’t like surprise attacks. We got tunnel vision and pursued the furballs deeper into the woods. Cap took down two of them with some well-placed shots. Therm unleased a couple detonators about thirty yards ahead, clearing away some of the overgrowth and, I hoped, a few of the enemies. What good would spears and slings do against Imperial might?

I’m certain the furballs were thinking the same thing after we fried a few of them. We understood the importance of making quick work of our enemies; they knew the terrain better than we did. Spending too much time chasing them deeper into the forest would give them an advantage.

War horns. Triumphant hooting and chittering.

Cinder prepped one of his signature flame-blasts, but before he fired, warriors leaped from treetops and pulled him down. I had no idea they were even there.

By the time I turned around, I could hear Cinder shrieking but couldn’t see him underneath the mountain of fur.

There was no going back.

Once we cleared the forest of these pests, we’d go back to rescue Cinder.

And if he didn’t make it, we’d drink to his memory.

 

The mission briefing said the natives on Endor’s Sanctuary Moon were called Ewoks, a “docile but territorial pre-hyperspace civilization with pagan beliefs and a strong connection to the forest.” While the Ewoks were curious about the shield generator and our bunker, Imperial ecologists expected them to keep their distance as long as we limited the damage to our wooded surroundings. Endor’s moon had dense, unchecked forest with some of the tallest trees I’ve ever seen in my life. Me and the guys in the Dread Forge had been deployed to dozens of worlds; none appeared as untouched and pristine.

I wasn’t one to get all squishy about a place, and if we had to reduce the forest to ash, so be it. Roast the little furballs on a spit for all I care. Make ‘em into bathmats and winter coats.

The nine remaining members of the Dread Forge were more than enough to handle some primitive warriors. After all, we’d tamed more than a few native populations in our time. As we ventured deeper into the forest, Tracker, our capable scout, spotted a group of Ewoks hiding on a ridge. We moved through the foliage like ghosts, splitting off into two groups for a flanking maneuver. Cap, Therm, Spanner, and I approached from the left and Tracker, Nines, Pops, Vibro, and Mags came in from the right.

Cap gave the signal; both sides converged.

But we didn’t find any Ewoks, just a pile of animal pelts meant to look like Ewoks. They’d even dressed the things up, given them spears and bows and slings. That line from the briefing sprang immediately to mind: “a docile but territorial pre-hyperspace civilization.”

Docile, my plastoid ass.

“Eyes up, guys.” Pops pointed to the tree line above the ridge. Before we even had the chance to look, he took an arrow through his left eye lens and screamed as crimson spurted from the opening onto his armor and helmet. He waved his arms frantically and then tried to pull out the arrow. That only resulted in more screaming. Vibro and Mags tried to drag him away from our vulnerable position, but Mags howled in pain after one of the little bastards shoved a spear through his left leg.

They were above us.

Below us.

Around us.

This “docile but territorial pre-hyperspace civilization” was kicking our ass.

Therm did what he did best, tossing a few of his detonators in the air. The explosions bought us some time, and we scrambled away from the ridge as quickly as we could. Pops finally removed the arrow from his eye, leaving behind an unsettling empty socket that dripped red. Either because he was in shock or incredibly composed, he supported Mags, who limped around furiously with a spear still embedded in his left leg.

“Move! Move! Move!” Cap yelled, the first spoken command since we’d gotten separated from the main Imperial force. If discretion is the better part of valor, we failed miserably at it all, tromping deeper into the forest through tall grass and snapping every tree branch along the way. Rustling to our six reminded us we were being hunted. We moved as fast as we could and tried to put some distance between us and our attackers.

We split up again, figuring it would be harder to track us in smaller groups.

Tracker, Cap, and I formed a trio, as did Therm, Nines, and Vibro. Cap ordered Spanner to double back with Mags and Pops so the injured pair could rejoin the main fighting group. The remaining six of us would draw off our pursuers and, once we’d defeated them, make our way back to find out what happened to Cinder.

Imperial units had some oddly specific functions. Our ranks included biker scouts, shore troopers, aquatic assault troopers, lava troopers, snowtroopers, and the like. The units were outfitted for specific environments, their armor tailored to blend in with their surroundings. And here we were, a bunch of morons in gleaming white armor that did jack shit as camouflage in the forest. Tracker, Cap, and I found a little stream and a muddy bank. Working quickly but thoroughly, we rubbed mud into our armor and covered our helmets in it. I understood this was imperfect camouflage, but I sure as hell knew we had to do something.

A stormtrooper in bright white armor wasn’t exactly invisible when standing next to a tree or crouching in the grass.

“You ever seen anything like this, Bolt?” Tracker asked.

“We’ve had some rough missions. That militia on Corellia almost got the best of us.” I turned around so Tracker could spread mud on the back of my armor. “We nearly got incinerated on Ryloth.”

“Who didn’t nearly get incinerated on Ryloth? That place was impossible,” Cap said.

Tracker patted me on the back. “All done. Take care of Cap.”

Typically, a unit would make sure its captain went first, but Cap was the selfless type who put his guys before himself. I rolled a ball of mud into my gloves and patted it down before applying it to Cap’s back. Just as I bent down to reach his legs, something whooshed over my head and slammed into the back of Cap’s helmet.

I looked up to find his helmet cracked, a stone embedded in it. Cap reached for his head, fell to his knees, and slumped forward. I couldn’t tell if he was dead or simply knocked out, but he was dead weight either way. Tracker and I tried to carry him away, but we’d gotten deeper into the mud than we’d intended and were basically sitting ducks. More rocks whizzed by our heads, undoubtedly thrown our way thanks to the Ewoks’ slings.

We finally pulled Cap free and trudged through the mud, dragging him across the ground as more stones flew past. Tracker used his free hand to fire a few blind shots in the direction of our attackers. It was just enough to buy us a short window to reach some foliage and get Cap to his feet. He groaned and grunted as we lifted him up.

“We have to move, Cap,” Tracker said. “We need cover.”

“You guys… should go on without… me,” Cap struggled to say. “Not much… but… dead weight.”

“Not a chance.” Tracker said. We put Cap’s arms over our shoulders and managed to move at a good clip.

“What are these things again?” Cap asked weakly.

“Ewoks,” I answered. “A docile but territorial pre-hyperspace civilization, according to the mission brief.”

Cap coughed. “They’d be cute if they weren’t trying to kill us.”

War horns. Triumphant hooting and chittering.

We moved deeper into the forest, beyond the sounds of battle aside from the occasional high-pitched whine of a speeder bike or the zwang! of a blaster bolt. To our right, I spotted a small cave next to a large tree. The thick trunk would give us some cover, while the alcove would give us a place to stop and think. The three of us collapsed as soon as we made it to the cave’s entrance. My sides burned from the long trek through the mud and underbrush.

Cap sat up with a little help and asked us to take off his helmet. I finally wrangled it loose and tossed it to the ground. Like me, his breaths came in gulps. “How’s it look?”

I switched on a field light to examine the back of his head. The stone left him with a deep gash; the force of the impact embedded large chunks of plastoid in his skin and scalp. He’d lost some blood, but it was nothing a field bacta patch couldn’t help. I pulled one from my utility belt, ripped open the bag, and gently secured it to the back of his head.

Cap let out a contented sigh as the bacta patch brought instant relief.

Something scurried across the ground and Tracker smoked it with his blaster. It looked like some kind of rodent. I couldn’t blame the guy for being on edge, but we needed to stay quiet. I told him as much.

“Just a little jumpy,” Tracker said.

“We can’t stay here long,” I told him. “Those things know the terrain. Just catch your breath, maybe have a field ration or something.” I opened a holomap of the area. We’d ventured far away from the main battlefield. If we headed east and circled around the perimeter, we could return to the bunker and the safety of the Imperial forces. Surely, we were routing the Rebels and their primitive allies. Stones and slings and spears were no match for an armored AT-ST. I relayed my idea to the others.

Cap agreed it was the best course of action, although he had some reservations about his ability to keep up. “Leave me here. I’m only going to slow you down.”

I told him we refused, even if he made it a direct order. Tracker voiced his steadfast agreement.

What happened next, happened with shocking speed and brutality. One second, Cap’s head was there, the next second, it was not. Blood spurted from the hole in his neck and ran down the front of his armored breastplate before his headless body collapsed and slammed into the ground. I caught the glint of an edged weapon and shined the field light directly behind him. A half-dozen Ewok warriors stood patiently with spears at the ready. Had they been there the whole time? How did they get so close, so quietly?

There was no point in taking Cap with us now. Tracker and I backed toward the exit, almost tripping over Cap’s head and helmet, and peppered the cave with enough blaster fire to fill it with smoke. I knew we needed to head east, but I also knew I’d lost my bearings while making our hasty retreat. We could be going north or south or east or west or some direction in between.

We just needed to get away.

 

When we reached a clearing, we spotted Pops resting against one of the forest moon’s gargantuan trees and ran toward him. We yelled in his direction, but he didn’t immediately answer. The old man wasn’t our commander—Cap had been—but we all looked up to him. He’d been among the first non-clone Imperials to join the Stormtrooper Corps. He always bragged about seeing a Jedi one time, although none of us believed him. It gave us a sense of relief to see him casually resting against the tree trunk.

“Pops!” Tracker yelled as we approached from about fifty yards away. “Hey, Pops!”

“Where are Spanner and Mags?” I asked when we finally reached the old man.

His left helmet lens was still gone from the arrow he’d taken in the eye. The blood on his armor had started to dry. I also noticed, with much trepidation, that Pops was not leaning against the tree—he was pinned against it.

Those furry little bastards used him as bait.

I tried to stir him, but he was completely limp. His head lulled to the side and his helmet fell to the ground as he slumped forward.

Tracker and I looked at each other. Though our helmets obscured our faces, I could feel panic radiating from him.

War horns. Triumphant hooting and chittering.

I looked over my shoulder and saw nothing.

A second later, an arrow to Tracker’s left side. A stone bounced off the top of his helmet, staggering him. Another arrow, this one in the vulnerable area between his shoulder and chest. A spear caught him in the midsection and penetrated his armor. A blaster bolt finished him off. Frozen, I stared in fascination at the smoking hole in his torso.

The little monsters took one of our firearms and learned how to use it. After all, the sound of a standard-issue BlasTech E-11 was unmistakable to the grunts who’d trained with the things since their first days at the academy. Tracker meekly lifted his head and reached out for me. I took a step forward and then hesitated; an arrow whistled past and went right through the palm of his hand.

Only one option remained.

I ran.

Through tall grass and shrubbery. Streams and creek beds. Past trees and rock formations. Splashing through water, stepping on branches, stomping through dry grass. My heart pounded quickly enough to rattle my chest piece; my breaths came in big gulps of air. Members of the Dread Forge pledged to stay in peak physical shape, but it seemed I’d lagged on cardio lately.

I ran until I almost threw up with my helmet still on. I stopped only when I heard several blaster bolts in sequence. As I drew closer, I reached a small valley where three stormtroopers stood next to each other and directed their fire upward. Nines, Vibro, and Therm. Finally, some luck. With a reckless slide down the hill, I rolled into position beside them.

“Where is everybody else?” Nines asked between shots.

I shared the grim news: decapitation (Cap); bait (Pops); various methods including stones, arrows, and a blaster bolt (Tracker). Three unknown fates, although prospects seemed grim (Cinder, Mags, Spanner) given current trends.

“You’re telling me there are just four members of the Dread Forge left?” Nines asked.

A shadow passed overhead, and a boulder dropped from the sky, crushing Vibro’s head and helmet. A spray of red splashed across Nine’s armor. Vibro twitched at our feet.

“I’m telling you there are three.”

“We managed to take down about a dozen of them,” Nines said. “We thought they’d gotten the message and stopped following us. Then we went down the hill and heard—”

War horns. Triumphant hooting and chittering.

“They followed us the whole way. They don’t like the blaster fire that much, though.” He pointed his blaster toward a ridge. “We’ve been funneling them toward the center up there. Figured if we could get them clustered together, Therm could chuck one of his detonators and take out a bunch of them all at once.” He indicated an opening in the trees behind us. “That’s a straight shot for the bunker. It’s still some distance away, but it’s our best chance.”

I joined their effort to corral Ewoks toward the center of the ridge. I couldn’t tell if anyone was actually up there, but I trusted Nines. He was a levelheaded, professional soldier. We just kept firing and firing, occasionally checking over our shoulders to make sure no one surprised us from behind. The Ewoks didn’t make another run with a glider, either, but we stole the occasional glance toward the forest moon’s clear blue sky. The unfinished Death Star hung in the air, a glorious backdrop for the end of the Rebellion.

Nines pulled out his macrobinoculars. “Got the little bastards all huddled in the middle. This is as good of a time as any, Therm.”

Therm usually let his explosives do the talking. He loved blowing things up, be they vaults or doors or entrances to impenetrable strongholds. The guy could chuck a thermal detonator with as much distance and accuracy as anyone. But this particular target looked well beyond his reach, so Therm brought out his mag-tube. The simple device could launch a detonator a considerable distance. He mounted the mag-tube on his shoulder and made a few adjustments, then armed the detonator and prepared to place it in the end of the tube.

Before Therm was able to load, however, a couple stones knocked the mag-tube off his shoulder. Therm dropped to his knees, frantically searching for the thermal detonator he’d just armed. He muttered more curse words in a five-second span than I’d heard him say in our six-plus years serving together. The countdown beep signaled impending death, although we were not usually on this end of it. He felt around the grass, crawled toward the sound of the increasingly rapid beeps, and finally plucked the shiny metal sphere from the ground. Having disarmed it, he held it aloft in triumph.

“That was close,” he said, the relief in his voice unmistakable. “I thought we were goners for sure. I mean—”

Those were his final words. The thermal detonator went off, throwing Nines and me backwards several feet. I was woozy but awake while Nines was out. I took him by the arm and dragged him toward the clearing in the trees behind us. Smoke and fire provided the perfect cover for our escape. It would’ve been a lot easier if he’d been conscious, but I managed. The thought of leaving another member of the Dread Forge behind sickened me, and I couldn’t bear to consider it, even if I could save my own hide.

It dawned on me again that no one knew what happened to Mags or Spanner. Once I got Nines and myself to safety, we could regroup and look for them. If we were lucky, maybe we’d find Cinder, too. It wouldn’t make up for our losses, but we could re-fire the Dread Forge with some new, top-flight recruits. There may not be as much of a need for us with the Rebellion crushed once and for all, but the Empire could always use good soldiers.

Almost there. Just a few more steps to the clearing. Nines regained consciousness and slowly got his bearings. Then the whole planet shook, and we looked up to see a ball of flame in the sky where the Death Star had been. What in the world happened? It had to be the destruction of the entire Rebel fleet—the only thing that made sense.

Just steps away from the clearing now, with Nines now fully aware and running beside me. In an instant, Ewoks emerged from the tree line. Somehow, they’d known exactly where we wanted to go. They converged on Nines first; he swung his arms and fired his blaster wildly to no avail. He screamed and struggled until they speared him to death.

And then they set their sights on me.

One Ewok had affixed a piece of Mags’s armor to his shoulder; his hand-painted “medals” from campaigns on Corellia and Ryloth gave it away. Another wore the blood-drenched chest piece belonging to Spanner, easily recognizable for the hydrospanner our resident techie stamped on the upper left side. A third had Cinder’s helmet, notable for the flames painted on the top and sides, tucked under his arm.

Huh. So that’s what happened to them. Good to know.

War horns. Triumphant hooting and chittering.

We called ourselves the Dread Forge. 

A squad of ten, working as one.

Now only I remained.

The mission briefing called Ewoks a “docile but territorial pre-hyperspace civilization.”

But as three of them clawed away at my armor and another approached with an axe, I realized they should’ve been called something else entirely.

For them, it was gonna be fun.

Hell, yeah, it was gonna be fun.



 

Friday, May 5, 2023

The Fall of Palpatine: 40 Years of Return of the Jedi

He saw the fall of the Jedi.

The fall of the Republic.

The fall of the Galactic Senate.

But as Emperor Sheev Palpatine raced toward the bottom of a reactor shaft aboard the second Death Star, he realized he hadn’t envisioned his own fall.

Not like this.

Skywalkers.

Accursed Skywalkers.

 

In the Force, past, present, and future collided. Sometimes, time slowed down.

He’d already hit the bottom of the shaft. Vader lifted him as wild lightning shot from his fingertips. He argued against the Trade Federation’s blockade before the Senate. Collected a grievously injured Anakin Skywalker from Mustafar. Watched an opera. Met a boy with unlimited, untapped Force potential. Learned life-extending secrets from Darth Plagueis.

Plans. Schemes.

Vader had outlived his usefulness; Palpatine knew it. He saw his apprentice’s plan to take his throne, his son ruling by his side. Too late, he glimpsed that unsettling remnant of light within him. The light from Anakin Skywalker went out with the death of Padme. Palpatine was certain of it.

Certain.

There was no good left in Anakin Skywalker. The Emperor had cultivated the young man’s anger and fear, driven him to the darkness. Darkness was all-encompassing. There was no coming back. Generations of Sith teachings told him this, records stretching back to time immemorial.

“If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.”

He immediately recognized the diction and voice. How had that little green annoyance reached him across time and space? Also, did he realize he’d been wrong? Palpatine took a miniscule amount of satisfaction in knowing Jedi masters could be just as wrong as Sith lords. Not that it mattered at the moment.

It wouldn’t be long until the Rebels blew up his precious Death Star.

Again.

 

Perhaps the late Grand Moff Tarkin had best outlined Palpatine’s vision for intergalactic dominance. Ruling by fear, by tightly controlling everything, was the only way to keep star systems in line. The Death Star became the tool of that control. Tarkin used it to destroy Alderaan, a problematic world dedicated to resisting. With a tool of such fear and destruction, the Empire could not lose.

Yet, the Empire lost.

Palpatine had plenty of blame to throw around. Krennic, for his vanity. Tarkin, for his arrogance. Vader, for his shortsightedness. Imperial personnel, for their ineptitude. Erso, for his betrayal. Rebel pilots, for their daring. Kenobi, for his persistence. The Son of Skywalker, for his faith.

So many elements conspired to destroy his legacy.

Everything was proceeding as he had foreseen it until, by fate, the Son of Skywalker met Kenobi. The Jedi Order, stamped out two decades before, threatened to rise again. That led to the boy meeting his sister—how hadn’t Palpatine felt that tremor in the Force?—which led to the plans being turned over to the Rebel Alliance, which led to the destruction of the greatest tool of terror and control the galaxy had ever known.

He’d seen some of it coming. His backup plan involved a larger, even more intimidating Death Star. This time, there would be no weaknesses. This time, he would end the Rebel Alliance once and for all. He’d let their leaders step into the light and defy him in public. He would allow irresistible morsels of information to leak into the intelligence community. The Bothan Spynet and Rebel Intelligence would take the bait to set up a high stakes battle near Endor’s Sanctuary Moon.

He kept the most important part of the plan to himself and a tiny group of loyal engineers: the second Death Star would be fully armed and operational. Once the Rebel fleet arrived, penned in by the might of his Imperial Star Destroyers, the Death Star would systematically destroy the Rebels’ largest capital ships.

At the same time, the battle for the galaxy’s soul raged in his throne room.

He saw this in many permutations.

In some, the Son of Skywalker defeated his father and took his place at Palpatine’s side. In others, Vader vanquished the boy and reinforced his desire to rule with Palpatine. Sometimes, the Skywalkers united to strike him down and take over the Empire themselves. In one glorious future, it resulted in a new Sith Empire and a 1,000-year reign. He reconstituted himself through the Force and provided counsel to Sith lords for fifty generations.

They named great halls and shrines after him.

He navigated the Force like a river, allowing it to take him on its many branching paths.

In one, he had the boy named Anakin Skywalker killed immediately. Without him, the Force remained unbalanced and the Sith ruled for generations before a new hope arose. In another, he brought young Skywalker into his fold immediately, freeing him from slavery on Mos Espa and making him his apprentice. The boy’s powers grew prodigiously as he became an adolescent and then a man. But without a fateful meeting with Padme, without that vulnerability to exploit, the goodness at his inner core ruined everything. He killed Palpatine’s apprentice, turned the would-be Emperor over to the Jedi, and strengthened the Order and the Republic for another millennium.

In another possible future, a future now well past, Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader but never met Padme. His rage, though significant, didn’t truly ignite, and though he killed Palpatine and forged a Galactic Empire of his own, it lasted only a handful of years before the Jedi overthrew him. There were no twins. No dyad in the Force.

Palpatine should have paid more attention to these various possibilities. For if he had, he would’ve realized every future with the offspring of Anakin Skywalker brought about his end. Most often, the Son of Skywalker triumphed over evil and brought down Palpatine’s New Order. And when he did fall to the Dark Side, he still defeated Palpatine. Sometimes the Empire survived for generations, sometimes it crumbled within years.

In his visions, he had never encountered the potent spirit of the Princess of Alderaan. The Son of Skywalker’s sister (he called her the Daughter of Skywalker) never existed. But now, as Palpatine fell and seconds stretched into lifetimes and lifetimes into milliseconds, new paths in the Force presented themselves.

Had he recognized that the young senator from Alderaan was the Daughter of Skywalker, he could’ve corrupted her. Their pairing would’ve borne fruit as she used her political will and influence—plus her newfound mastery in the Force—to dismantle the Galactic Senate from within. In his mind’s eye, he saw her Force-choking her meddlesome adoptive father, destroying Alderaan in a new and unfamiliar way that excited him.

He saw her confronting him aboard the second Death Star in the robes of a Jedi, professing her undying love for a father whose darkness nearly consumed the entire galaxy. He saw her mastery of the Force and lightsaber combat, a discipline that far exceeded her brother’s and a patience that allowed a father to redeem himself.

He cursed out loud, lightning still cascading from his fingertips.

Yes, there were futures in which the offspring of Vader aided Palpatine and brought generations of Sith rule to the galaxy.

But the strongest futures, the ones he tended to ignore, involved love, redemption, and defeat.

Accursed Skywalkers.

A family of do-gooders unworthy of their father’s legacy.

He found another current in the Force, this one deep and dark and tempting.

Interested, he followed.

The Daughter of Skywalker married the Rogue. Their union produced another heir to Skywalker line. Into this boy’s soul, a boy named after Vader’s mortal enemy, the Dark Side poured all of its hate and fear. It used the Son of Skywalker to bring out the worst in the boy. And out of the defeat of the New Order arose the First Order and, eventually, the Final Order.

Suddenly, a thousand-year reign seemed possible once more.

Palpatine saw himself in this future.

He lost the path.

Desperate to find it, he stumbled across more possibilities. Some good, some bad. Sometimes he lived for millennia. Sometimes he died in his sleep. Sometimes his apprentice poisoned him. Sometimes the Empire stationed a Death Star in each system. In one unfortunate future, he saw the error of his ways before an apprentice he didn’t recognize killed him and ruled the Empire for decades. The apprentice ended up destroying the galaxy with a superweapon, leaving nothing and no one behind to rule.

In fact, Palpatine’s many futures saw a number of superweapons, most of them designed to inflict destruction on a planet-wide basis. Some of them could even reach across star systems to destroy multiple planets at once. They had fearsome names: Darksaber, Sun Crusher, World Devastator, Galaxy Gun.

He’d built two Death Stars already. Why not a third? Or something even larger?

The path brought him back to his present. To the outside observer, it would appear a man who fell to his doom down a reactor shaft would have no future. But while the Force had shown Palpatine many possible futures and many possible successes, it had also lifted the veil on potential failures. In order to secure his legacy, he needed contingencies, and so he had ordered some of his most loyal commanders to keep his memory alive.

They would head beyond the Rim and raise an army of their own.

If the Rebel Alliance won, a good possibility given the penchant of Skywalkers to interfere with his plans, a “new era of peace and justice” would come to the galaxy. But could a Rebellion so used to fighting muster the political will and courage to rule? Would it, in dismantling its hated enemy and all its loathsome systems, end up weakening itself to the core?

Before the Battle of Endor, as Palpatine put his final plans into place, he glimpsed several futures in which the Rebellion became a victim of its own success, its dedication to “governance” corrupted into “rule,” its checks and balances failing on a large scale and leading to a disillusioned population. The force of “good,” it seemed, could turn into the very thing it hated most.

In other futures, cognizant of this danger, the New Republic became decentralized and weak, its leaders so hellbent on avoiding war that they were unprepared when conflicts inevitably broke out. Outgunned and burdened with a small and poorly trained peacekeeping force, they did not know how to handle acts of outright aggression. Tearing down the Imperial fleet left the galaxy vulnerable. Combine that with leaders in serious denial, and the Empire could rise once more.

Another possibility: a brilliant coalition of “reformed” Imperials fooled the New Republic into thinking they’d truly renounced the ways of the New Order. These Imperials, true agents of chaos with no allegiance to the new government’s democratic reforms, would simply act as sleeper agents who ascended to important places within the New Republic’s overburdened bureaucracy. They would gradually allow some of those reforms to fall by the wayside in the name of peace and security, convincing citizens to surrender certain rights for the common good. As they systematically chipped away at the New Republic’s institutions, they would consolidate power and stage a coup.

Palpatine loved good political machinations, but this plan as presented by the Force appeared too gradual for his taste. Truly galaxy-changing acts demanded shock and awe. They demanded grandeur and surprise. A decades-long takeover of the New Republic from within did not suit him, so he followed another one of the many future streams.

He saw the return of Grand Admiral Thrawn, a brilliant tactician who valued order above all. He envisioned the blue-skinned Chiss operating on the margins and hijacking the Republic’s Katana fleet, joining up with a Jedi master whose sanity appeared to be in question. In this version of the future, the Daughter of Skywalker and the Rogue had twins. He glimpsed two Sons of Skywalker and a powerful figure with red hair and a lightsaber.

He saw smugglers and Spaarti cylinders and fearsome alien commandos. He heard a word he did not recognize: Mal'ary'ush.

This future, though intriguing, appeared out of reach. Just as well, as it turned out, because Thrawn fell by his own bravado. Eventually, his capitulating second in command pushed the Imperial Remnant toward peace with the New Republic.

So many possible futures. Some of them triumphant, some of them hopeless.

How best to manage it all?

“Always in motion is the future.”

The wise words again came from the green annoyance who’d found him through the Force. Palpatine fought him once in the Senate chamber. He’d felt the irritating creature’s presence flicker away not all that long ago. Yet, to Palpatine, his essence felt just as strong as ever through the Force.

“How is this possible?” he yelled across time and space.

“Accessible to those who learn, the Netherworld of the Force is,” the green annoyance said. “One with the Force, you must become. On your side, time is not.”

Palpatine knew nothing could stop the Rebels now. His apprentice fully embraced the light, thanks to the Son of Skywalker. The energy shield protecting the Death Star had fallen, and Rebel starfighters would soon race into the superstructure and destroy it. Celebrations would commence on countless planets to mark the Empire’s defeat. People would toast to the deaths of Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader.

The New Republic era would soon begin.

He surveyed other possible futures.

A young clone of himself lured the Son of Skywalker to the planet Byss and turned him to the Dark Side. Fearsome machines devastated planets, starting with Mon Calamari; he summoned Force storms and watched Imperial might rise once again. But the Son and Daughter of Skywalker disrupted his plans, drawing upon some ancient prophecy to turn the Force against him.

He saw a Jedi holocron. An immense ship he christened the Eclipse.

Yet another defeat. This future, he believed, could not sustain him. Clone bodies were notoriously fickle, he had learned in his many experiments.

But time was not on his side, as the little green annoyance had reminded him.

The future of Emperor Sheev Palpatine depended on genetics and Force transference. Dark science. Cloning. Secrets only the Sith knew.

What he saw next, was no ripple in the Force, no inaccessible timeline. He’d rediscovered the thread he’d lost an eternity ago.

He followed it.

On a dead world in the Unknown Regions, cultists raised an army. Loyal scientists perfected cloning technology to preserve Palpatine’s reign. He needed only to transfer his Force essence from the second Death Star to the faraway world. He had practiced forms of this before, appearing in two places at once, but this would stretch his powers far beyond anything he’d attempted.

Until Palpatine could fully take form, another figure would lead the Imperial Remnant. As Operation Cinder went into effect—he could think of no better way of harassing the New Republic than destroying as much as he could—his loyal servants would craft a new leader. This fearsome figure would become a tool of Palpatine’s will, with the Emperor able to manipulate him through the Force. Indeed, the first order of his resurrection would inform his final order.

Another superweapon would decimate the New Republic. He would send the Imperial Remnant to Ilum, a kyber-rich world on which they would engineer a fearsome new device capable of large-scale destruction. They would mine a planet once sacred to the Jedi and bend it to their terrifying will.

His plan required patience, even though that was not one of his strengths. But he had seen a future in which a Skywalker truly and finally fell to the Dark Side, driving a wedge between the Son, the Daughter, and the Rogue. Their happy ending would crumble before their eyes, setting the galaxy on an even darker path as a fanatical Imperial Remnant became an unstoppable force.

He would haunt them for the rest of their lives. He had foreseen it. The Force showed him this intractable path.

Just before he transferred his essence, Palpatine saw something else. His offspring would play a role in this chaos. A grandchild would return to him on the dead planet and become an Empress with the Fallen Skywalker ruling at her side. Together, the First Order would become the Final Order, and the galaxy would know, once and for all, that Emperor Sheev Palpatine had won.

A powerful Force dyad would bring about generations of Sith rule.

The Force had one more path to show him, but Palpatine’s time was not infinite. He would soon hit the bottom of the reactor shaft. He could wait no longer; he could not see this future, nor did he care about it.

He screamed as lightning poured from his fingertips and his corporeal body disintegrated.

His essence scrambled momentarily, but he managed to keep himself together. It would take some time for him to reach the dead planet. It would take even longer for his loyal servants to create a suitable, sustainable clone body. Sith Troopers would take time to train, and Star Destroyers would take time to build.

But with the fall of Palpatine complete, he knew one thing for certain.

Somehow, he would return.


Also, check out the Emperor's continuing story in Gary, the Sith Eternal



Saturday, December 31, 2022

Studicus Selects 2022

Once, long ago, I posted on the internet as Studicus, an in-joke nickname related to a skit from high school. When I first started blogging, I called my year-end entries "Studicus Selects." The tradition has continued since 2005...although I skipped 2006 for some unknown reason. 

You'll find past entries here (scroll down for the 2022 picks):

Studicus Selects 2021

Overall, 2022 was a decent year filled with some notable events. I wrote and released a book! We bought a new car! Thanksgiving was normal with no overarching concerns about COVID-19 like in 2020 and 2021. It wasn't the best year ever. Anne and I suffered the heartbreaking loss of our beloved leopard gecko, Lenny. Winter weather and illnesses prevented us from following our usual Christmas traditions. Oh, things also got way more expensive thanks to the economic body blow brought on by the pandemic and the resulting chaos in the supply chain and workforce.

All in all, 2022 was a year that felt a little more stable in the Adams household. Here's a look back.

Rest easy, sweet boy
Farewell, Lord Leonard. I'll start off with the saddest development of the year. Our leopard gecko, Lenny, started to go downhill. We took him to the vet and made some changes to his diet and habitat. Unfortunately, it didn't help. We had to put Lenny down in November. It happened very quickly. The vet's office provided us with an imprint of his tail and little feet. We miss the big guy, but we're also glad he's no longer suffering. We still included him on our Christmas card for 2022.


An imprint of Lenny's tail and feet
Our 2022 Christmas card featured an appearance from the late Lord Leonard
Best Howard, Howard Category. Howard had a pretty eventful year. He HATED the recent winter storm and didn't want to go outside--not that I could blame him. He had a growth removed from his neck, although it turned out to be benign. We had to put the poor guy on anxiety medication. He has also developed high blood pressure, requiring further medication. He got a rawhide chew that's bigger than he is for Christmas, so he's got that going for him.
Always let a sleeping Howard lie

The candy cane was bigger than him! We couldn't let him have the whole thing, however
Best Turtle, Northern Map Turtle Category. A much quieter year for Willy, who turned 20 in October! We got her in 2017 when she was 15. At the time, we also believed she was a dude. She is not a dude, the exotic vet informed us last year. We still get her out of her tank on a weekly basis; Howard's been better about not bothering her, mostly because she pretty much ignores him. Our favorite thing: when Willy's on a walkabout, she'll come up to you and tap on your foot if she wants you to pick her up.

Willy takes great offense to being photographed while basking
Hello, Elantra. I have a 30-minute commute to work. It's not the best and certainly not the worst, however, I started having trouble with my reliable Hyundai Sonata. In May, we decided to replace Sonata with a new Hyundai Elantra. It's got Bluetooth connectivity, a backup camera, heated seats, lane assist, blind spot alerts, and auto start. It also gets really good mileage and I'm happy we pulled the trigger.

The new car got a professional detailing job from one Mr. Ted Adams (pictured in background)
Best Novel Written by Matt Adams, Sega CD Summer Category. I still write! I tried an experiment this year and released a book on my own. Sega CD Summer tells the story of a 12-year-old boy who takes on a paper route to earn enough money to buy the Sega CD add-on for his Sega Genesis. Oh, he also has to endure youth baseball season and deal with a former-best-friend-turned-bully. The book is out now on digital and paperback. Learn more here. I was even on a podcast!

Copies still available! Tens of people have enjoyed it, and you can, too!
Best Streaming Option for Indiana Pacers, Mostly Because It's the Only Option, Sports Category. The Indiana Pacers were supposed to tank this season. Instead, they've been surprisingly good and fun to watch. For those of us without cable, however, watching games (legitimately) isn't easy. Bally Sports+ launched this year for $20 a month. It's worked pretty well, aside from one game in which the feed cut out and the app wouldn't load. Seeing the local teams shouldn't be so hard, professional sports leagues.

When you pay $20 a month for a service that exists solely for the purpose of streaming NBA games, this shouldn't ever happen
Worst Indianapolis Colts Team of 2022, Indianapolis Colts Category. I had high hopes for the Indianapolis Colts this season. I was mistaken. Moving on.

How bad were the Colts this season? This hat is better than the team
Most Time Consuming Xbox Game, Assassin's Creed: Vahalla Category. When November rolls around, I suddenly remember I have an Xbox. I've played a ton of Assassin's Creed: Vahalla over the past few weeks. I think I enjoyed the Greece-set AC: Odyssey a bit more, but I've still gotten a ton of fun out of the game. I'm not sure I'll get to 100% completion because there are a lot of collectibles and DLC packs. I will, however, finish the main game and collect stuff until I get tired of it.

Most Frustrating Insanity Mode, Mass Effect: Legendary Edition Category. I played a lot of Mass Effect: Legendary Edition during the summer. I was mostly determined to finish all the games on the hardest mode ("Insanity"), which was something I didn't accomplish with their original releases (I beat the first and third games, but ME2 was just too hard). Getting through the "Insanity" difficulty on Mass Effect 2 is one of the most frustrating gaming-related things I've done in my life, but I finally managed to do it. Man, it's really tough. I'm not ashamed to say I exploited a few glitches here and there to get it done.

Best Holiday Prime, Non-Amazon Category. Everyone should have an Optimus Prime Christmas figure. Thanks to Brian Krilich for this one!

An action figure masterpiece
Movie Year in Review. I'll split my long list of entertainment stuff into two sections: movies we saw at the theater and stuff we watched via streaming. Let's start with the movies first. As usual, there may be some spoilers.

The Batman. We probably don't need another Batman movie, but people love the Bat and Warner Bros. wants to make money, so we will inevitably get more Batman stuff. Thankfully, this one was really good. I liked the idea of an early Batman flexing some of his detective skills. The film is beautifully shot and atmospheric. I would've cut maybe 10 minutes, but that's a nitpick.

Uncharted. I kind of forgot we went to see this one. It's fine--the kind of movie you'll find unobjectionable on cable on a Sunday afternoon and watch for a bit. 

The Lost City. I enjoyed this one more than I expected! It got off to a great start when Channing Tatum's mimbo character came onto the stage and got his wig ripped off. Good chemistry between the leads.

Morbius. "It's Morbin' time!" Please, Sony. Just stop trying to make movies out of ancillary Spider-Man characters just because you have the license. You have no idea what to do with any of these characters and you're simultaneously damaging your own brand with this nonsense.

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. I liked it, but I expected more of a madcap romp through the multiverse in this one. We kind of spent time in a couple places and that was about it. I enjoyed the characters, though, and some trippy visuals.

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore. This was another "movie that happened." I barely remember a thing, other than Eddie Redmayne mumbling his way through the proceedings and wondering why we've had our third different Grindelwald in three movies (oh don't worry, I know why).

Jurassic World: Dominion. Imagine bringing back the cast of the original Jurassic Park and having them fight giant locusts. Then re-read that sentence, add the cast from Jurassic World, and realize that's what the plot was. I wanted an exploration of a world with dinosaurs run amok; I got prehistoric locusts.

Top Gun: Maverick. This shouldn't have worked, right? I mean, a sequel to one of the eighties-ist eighties movies ever, made some 30 years later? Yet, it's great. Tom Cruise is fantastic and we get a great, heartfelt appearance from Val Kilmer plus some of the best aerial stunt work ever. Absolutely floored by this one.

Thor: Love and Thunder. Maybe my biggest disappointment of the year. When you don't rein in Taika Waititi just a little bit, things get too broad and silly. All the basics are there, including a compelling villain, but it just didn't come together for me.

Elvis. Austin Butler turned in an Oscar-worthy performance in this one. I can take or leave Tom Hanks' Foghorn Leghorn act. This movie is always moving, thanks to Baz Luhrmann, who's never afraid to just spin things around for whatever reason. It's worth seeing, though.

Black Adam. The box-office disappointment really did change the hierarchy of power in the DC Universe. It's an okay movie, made interesting by Pierce Brosnan's casting as Dr. Fate. 

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. How do you make a Black Panther sequel without Chadwick Boseman? You craft a movie about loss and moving forward in which he rarely appears on the screen but is always there. A couple story elements were shoehorned in (paging Agent Ross), but this was an admirable accomplishment and the best MCU movie of the year.

Avatar: The Way of Water. I will jokingly refer to this one as James Cameron's Three-Hour Video Game Cutscene, but it is remarkable in its visual presentation. I'm not an Avatar hater, but I'm pretty "meh" on the first one. The sequel had a better story while making a big leap in terms of visual storytelling.

Streaming Year in Review. We spent a lot more time watching stuff at home than we did at the theater! Here's a look at some of the shows we streamed in 2022.

Abbott Elementary. We have absolutely fallen in love with this ABC sitcom. Some of it hits really close to home because my mother is a retired teacher (although in a much different kind of school district!). The characters are wonderful and have great chemistry. The episode about the egg drop is one of my favorites so far ("It's okay, Ralph, you just have to believe!")

Vatican Girl. This multi-part documentary about a girl who disappeared in Vatican City in 1983 is absolutely packed with jaw-dropping twists and turns. The saddest of those twists, however, is that the case remains unsolved after all these years, leaving a grieving family with no answers in the decades-old mystery.

Andor. This is the most mature Star Wars show we've ever seen. I didn't think I'd care all that much about a show featuring Cassian Andor, the one-and-dead protagonist from Rogue One. But here we are with a terrific, tension-filled series about politics, espionage, and betrayal. The "prison arc" is some of the best storytelling of the year. The stellar supporting cast includes Andy Serkis and Stellan Skarsgård, the latter of whom delivers an absolutely amazing monologue about the cost of sacrifice.

She-Hulk, Attorney at Law. One of the many MCU shows from Disney Plus, this one took a lighter approach into straight-up comedy. Meta and a little uneven at times, I still enjoyed it for the most part despite some of the wonkiness of the not-quite-movie-quality CG effects for the main character. If you can make me laugh with some fun superhero antics, I'm there.

The Bear. This show about the restaurant business got a lot of love over the summer, so Anne and I decided to give it a try. Did we enjoy it? Yes, chef!

We Own This City. The Baltimore Police Department didn't cover itself in glory, that's for sure. This series based on a book about corruption in the department follows a special unit focused on guns and drugs. The problem? The members of the unit like to fudge how much money they collected during raids to take a cut of it themselves and were cozy with the bad guys. Oh, they also had racist tendencies and lied about overtime to make a lot of extra cash on top of it all.

Better Call Saul. I watched the first season of Better Call Saul and fell behind. Then, the series finale came and people were talking about it. I wanted to know what happened, so I shotgunned the first five seasons on Netflix and bought the digital version of the sixth season. Great character, great supporting cast, great show. Give these guys some Emmys already!

Reservation Dogs. This FX show follows a group of tight-knit Native American teens who endure life on the reservation and dream of a better future. Another show featuring great chemistry and plenty of humor, it'll also surprise you with its heart and commitment to character development. All of that is wrapped up in some true laugh-out-loud moments.

The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power. Amazon paid a lot of money to produce this show (and promote it on Thursday Night Football). I thought it started out pretty slow in its first couple episodes and got progressively better. I definitely tuned in every week and looked forward to it, even if I don't have strong feelings about the material itself.

The Dropout. I read the book about Elizabeth Holmes and watched the HBO documentary about the Theranos scandal. This Hulu version with Amanda Seyfried provided a pretty good distillation of the whole sordid affair. The leads gave great performances (Naveen Andrews brought a lot to Sunny Balwani). I still can't believe people gave her all that money.

Peacemaker. A lot--I mean A LOT--has happened with the DC Universe this year. This show premiered waaaaaay back in January on HBO Max. It featured Peacemaker, John Cena's character from James Gunn's The Suicide Squad. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the show was a blast with an absolutely hilarious finale.

Bullet Train. I meant to catch this in the theater but never went. I settled for watching it on Netflix. A fun, breezy, twisty heist movie with lots of style and character, it's definitely a ride worth taking. Brad Pitt is solid as usual, but I was absolutely floored by Aaron Taylor-Johnson's performance.

Nope. I don't know what I expected here, but it wasn't quite as creepy and unsettling as I thought it would be. Probably the most disturbing part of the movie involved the scenes with the chimp (if you know, you know). The main plot itself wasn't all that mysterious. Still worth seeing, I think.

Moon Knight. Another MCU show on Disney Plus, Moon Knight involves a guy with a split personality. My only previous exposure to the character came via Marvel Ultimate Alliance on the Xbox 360 (seriously), but I always thought Moon Knight looked cool. I'm glad they cast Oscar Isaac because the man can literally do anything.

Dopesick. Much like the Theranos case, I devoured some books and a documentary about the opioid scandal and the Sackler family's involvement in aggressively marketing the drug. The Hulu series shows the heartbreaking reality of the opioid crisis and how greed drove the whole thing. Tremendous performances here, especially from Michael Keaton as a doctor who starts out as a skeptic about the safety and efficacy of oxycodone before becoming an addict himself.

Only Murders in the Building. Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez blessed us with a second season of the Hulu murder mystery-comedy series. The characters play off each other really well, the mystery keeps you guessing, and the snark makes things worth watching. Sometimes I find myself humming the theme song for no reason.

Stranger Things 4. The characters went out with a bang! Wait, there's more coming? This is such a fun show filled with great characters and nostalgia. It does a good job of managing unsettling imagery with humor and likeable leads. I may not be a member of the Hellfire Club, but Eddie Munson is a freaking legend. 

Under the Banner of Heaven. I jokingly referred to this show as "Andrew Garfield's Mormon Jamboree." It follows an LDS detective who's investigating a homicide. The perpetrators turn out to be members of a radicalized branch of the church, leading Garfield's character to question his faith and the role of the church. It's the only thing I've ever seen in which Sam Worthington displays an ounce of charisma.

The Offer. Making The Godfather was a legendary Hollywood story in its own right, and Paramount Plus gave us a version of that story. While I've never been a big Miles Teller fan, he was good in this show. Matthew Goode, however, made the show as charismatic producer Robert Evans. Remember this man for awards season, please.

The Righteous Gemstones. An absurd show with an absurdly stacked cast, this HBO series tells the story of a dysfunctional family made rich (and morally bankrupt) in the megachurch world. John Goodman anchors things as the family patriarch while Danny McBride shines as his moronic son. Some memorable side characters, like "Baby Billy" (Walton Goggins) and Keefe (Tony Cavalero), really make the show.

Belfast. This movie won Kenneth Branagh an Oscar for best original screenplay. The coming-of-age drama chronicles the life of a young boy during "The Troubles" between Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland. Good performances and a heartbreaking story make this one worth the watch.

House of the Dragon. For many, Games of Thrones ended in a rushed spectacle of ineptitude. Did people really need more from the grim world of Westeros? These things make money, so of course we're getting more of them. Thankfully, the first season of House of the Dragon turned out pretty well, mostly on the strength of great casting. 

A Christmas Story Christmas. Legacy sequels are the thing in Hollywood--a way to take an existing property and milk more money out of it. Sometimes they work (Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Top Gun: Maverick), sometimes they fail epically (Independence Day: Resurgence, The Matrix Resurrections). This follow-up to A Christmas Story does a good job with callbacks to the original movie without remaking it. Funny and genuinely touching, it misses Jean Shepherd's narration, although Peter Billingsley, the original Ralphie reprising his signature role, holds his own.

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special. James Gunn brings the MCU's odd bunch to Disney Plus with an enjoyable holiday romp in which Kevin Bacon (Peter Quill's hero) gets kidnapped as a surprise Christmas gift. My favorite part: Drax going off on an actor dressed as Cy-Kill from the GoBots, set up by this gem of a line from Mantis, "I'm sorry. GoBots killed his cousin."

Murderville. A spoof of procedural cop shows featuring hardboiled protagonists, Will Arnett stars as hard-luck homicide detective Terry Seattle, who brings in a guest star protégé to help him solve a crime in each episode. The gimmick is that the guest stars don't have a script and are supposed to just follow along with what Seattle tells them to do. It makes for an absurd, wildly entertaining show.