Let's remember LucasArts

The news came swiftly Wednesday that LucasArts (originally Lucasfilm Games) would shut down. The news wasn't a major surprise--it's no secret that attempts to create killer original IP material weren't working. The company's most recent games were underwhelming, including the critically panned and universally reviled sequel to The Force Unleashed.

Still, the announcement saddened me. LucasArts games were part of growing up. True, I stuck mostly to their awesome line of Star Wars games, but there was a time when you saw a LucasArts logo on the box and you just knew the game was going to be phenomenal--it had to be because LucasArts made it. From the early 90s to the early 2000s, they had a run of great titles. Was each one perfect? Of course not. However, the overall quality was astounding.

So as the once great studio transitions from an internal developer to a licensing entity under Disney (that just sounds so imperial), I'm taking a few minutes to recall some of my fondest LucasArts memories. The list will be Star Wars heavy--bear in mind that this is a personal list of games I've actually played and not a definitive history of LucasArts games. So if you're wondering about the exclusion of Sam & Max Hit the Road or Day of the Tentacle, it's because those games didn't interest me when I was younger and I didn't play them.

Star Wars (NES, 1991; Game Gear, 1993)

I played the NES version several times via rental but never owned it. I did, however, own the Game Gear version, which was virtually identical. The game followed (somewhat) the plot of the movie, though of course there were differences. Released in the era of the platformer, there wasn't much about this game that was particularly special other than that it happened to be a Star Wars game. The 8-bit music was pretty enjoyable as it interpreted most of the main themes from the movie, including the "Cantina Band" and "Princess Leia's Theme." I believe they also threw in "Han Solo and the Princess" even though that's from Empire Strikes Back.

They changed up the platforming formula a couple times to keep things interesting. You got to blast TIE Fighters from the Falcon with a first-person view. The trench run was a top-down shooter that moved pretty fast. Not a great game, but certainly enjoyable for its time.




The Empire Strikes Back (NES, 1992)

Other than being freaking impossible, this was a great game. It gave us some terrible attempts at voice sampling ("Luke!" Obi-Wan yells at various points throughout the game) and decent music. You got to ride a tauntaun, fly around in a snowspeeder (a level I played over and over again just because I liked it), develop Force powers, fight wildlife on Dagobah, and die horribly multiple times during the final fight with Darth Vader.

I beat this game exactly one time. I remember it being unforgiving, especially after you get to Dagobah. Despite the fact I wanted to kill this game with fire on several occasions, it was the only NES game I kept when I sold my Nintendo several years ago. I still have it, box and all, even though I have no system to play it on.



X-Wing (PC, 1993)

My very first PC LucasArts game, X-Wing came out at a time of tremendous excitement. The first book of the Timothy Zahn trilogy had just been released, and Star Wars was coming back in a big way. In fact, after seeming dead for so long, Obi-Wan's final words were truly prophetic ("If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine").

I had a 286 computer without a SoundBlaster. A friend copied X-Wing on five 3.5" floppy disks so I could play it. Despite the lack of decent sound, it worked well enough. I wasn't a very good pilot without infinite proton torpedoes, but the game was fantastic. I'm not sure I ever finished all the missions, but it remains very dear to my heart.



TIE Fighter (PC, 1994)

I didn't get TIE Fighter until the Collector's Edition came out on CD-ROM as part of a LucasArts Archives Collection. By that time, we had a Compaq Presario that had a proper sound card. I always loved the introductory music for this game, which transitioned from the opening burst of the Star Wars main theme to the "Imperial March." There were no shields for several of the craft in this game, and like X-Wing, I wasn't very good at it.

Playing from the Empire's point of view wasn't just a gimmick, either. The story revolved around a growing faction of Imperials who tried to launch a coup against the Emperor. I remember that Grand Admiral Thrawn was a major force later in the game and in the expansions. Had a great time with this one.



Rebel Assault (Sega CD, 1993)

I owned the Sega CD version of Rebel Assault. This was a big deal because I had a Sega Genesis and not a Super Nintendo (note the lack of the Super Star Wars games on this list), thus there were no Star Wars games to be found. Finally, Rebel Assault came along. I ordered it from a company called Jack of All Games and waited FOREVER for the disc to arrive. I beat the game countless times as "Rookie One" (**cough**Luke Skywalker**cough). The full motion video was horrendously pixelated (all Sega CD video suffered from that problem) and parts of the game were unplayable on the hard setting (which took away the sticky targeting reticle) because the game's environments were so grainy.

Still, I appreciated Rebel Assault for what it was: a Star Wars rail shooter with a few epic moments, including an attack on a Star Destroyer, a chase through an asteroid field, a commendable recreation of the Battle of Hoth, and an alt-history take on the Death Star assault (it plays out like the first Star Wars except the characters are different and someone other than Han Solo comes to your rescue). After doing some research, it appears the Sega CD version was actually missing a level. Had no idea.



Rebel Assault II (PC, 1995)

I didn't spend as much time with this one as I did with the first Rebel Assault. I do remember you got to fly a Millennium Falcon-like ship at one point. It seemed like the role of video had been expanded for this one with more video segments than actual gameplay. If I recall correctly, you ended up encountering one of the characters from the first game. The plot revolved around a new Imperial superweapon. Spoiler: it's a cloaking device. For TIE Fighters.



Dark Forces (PC, 1995)

Pretty much Doom in a galaxy far, far away, Dark Forces was incredible. The first mission had you stealing plans for the Death Star (Bothan spies my ass!). You play as Kyle Katarn, a mercenary who ends up foiling the Empire's plot to unleash "Dark Troopers" on the galaxy.

The shooting was fast-paced and fun. There's just nothing better than hearing that signature blaster sound and watching a stormtrooper go down.



Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight (PC, 1997)

A worthy sequel to Dark Forces, this one absolutely killed you with full motion video. You like some overacting? Quaint special effects? This is the game for you.

Fortunately, the story isn't too bad and the gameplay is fantastic. We learn our mercenary, Kyle Katarn, has Jedi heritage. You know what that means? Lightsabers! Force powers! Battles against Dark Jedi who don't seem to obey the stupid "Rule of Two!" Seriously, this is a great first person shooter. A couple of the puzzles were pretty good, too. I remember loving the bowcaster because it kind of followed targets for you. The final battle with Jerec was a pain in the butt thanks to his rejuvenation chamber.

The game also let you embrace the "light" or "dark" side of the Force. Basically, don't kill any innocent bystanders and you'll be fine. Slaying random people puts you on the path to darkness.



Star Wars Rebellion (PC, 1998)

I think a lot of people scoff at this one, a strategy/resource management game that allows you to take the side of the Rebellion or the Galactic Empire. I loved Rebellion. It had limited cinematics, but the game felt sweeping with the sheer amount of characters and things you could do. The goal is for the player to pick a side and build resources to overthrow the Empire or crush the Alliance. You took over planets, tried to use diplomacy to sway systems to your cause, organized sabotage missions against the other side, and incited uprisings on enemy-controlled planets in hopes of gaining allies.

The game included resource management, ship building, strategy, espionage, and intrigue. As the Rebels, you could always move your base of operations (one of the final objectives was raiding and capturing the enemy base) while the Empire was always stuck on Coruscant no matter what (and it was very heavily defended!). I sank a lot of hours into this one, winning as both the Rebels and the Empire (I also got my tail whipped as both). Different characters like Luke Skywalker, Darth, the Emperor, and Princess Leia could be sent on missions and kidnapped, captured, or killed.



Rogue Squadron (PC, 1998)

Out for both PC and N64, my experience comes from the PC version. As a member of Rogue Squadron, you undertook missions with various Alliance starfighters in an effort to topple the Empire. I remember that taking down an AT-AT Walker for the first time was extremely difficult with my keyboard/mouse setup. I finally got a controller and managed to do it.

Each mission awarded you medals based on performance. You performed a variety of missions from destroying targets to recon and the ever popular "protect the target" operation. The game was really a lot of fun, a chance to just go out and blast stuff.



Masters of Teras Kasi (Playstation, 1998)

There was never a Star Wars fighting game despite what the video below would have you believe.



The Phantom Menace (Playstation, 1999)

I almost didn't include this clunker of a game, but then I remembered how often my friend Scott from college got turned around during various levels, inspiring the phrase, "You're not good in malls, are you?" We played this a lot in college despite its clear mediocrity.

You could deflect blaster bolts all day. That was thrilling. We killed Darth Maul by standing off screen and firing at him. That was equally thrilling.



Jedi Power Battles (Playstation, 2000)

This one had a definite arcade feel to it. I always liked playing as Plo Koon for some reason. Fast-paced and pretty mindless, it was more fun than the Phantom Menace game. Of course, so is pretty much anything else ever.



Jedi Outcast: Jedi Knight II (Xbox, 2002)

My computer was unable to play this game (graphics card issue!), so I had the Xbox version. Kyle Katarn returns, but after nearly succumbing to the dark side last game, he's back to his mercenary ways. Thus, you start out with a pretty standard shooter as Kyle does missions for the New Republic.

However, as this is Jedi Knight II and not Dark Forces III (I don't get it either), Kyle learns to embrace the Force once more. In this game, he gets help from both Lando Calrissian and Luke Skywalker, so you get some nice cameos from them. I believe Billy Dee Williams voiced Lando while Luke was a soundalike. In the end, you fight a lightsaber-wielding velociraptor. It's better than it sounds.



Knights of the Old Republic (Xbox, 2003)

This game rocks. I'm not going to write about the sequel (it was rushed and had problems although I still enjoyed it), but the first game is simply stunning--everything you'd ever want in a Star Wars game. It's an "action RPG" with an incredibly engaging storyline set in the Old Republic timeline (4,000 years before the original trilogy).

You'll make friends and enemies, want to punch or put a lightsaber through Carth, and marvel at the meatbag-hating HK-47. You'll play a blackjack-like card game, participate in swoop races, compete in a gladiatorial arena, and shoot down enemy starfighters. The game takes you to several planets, including Kashyyyk, Tatooine, and Korriban (site of a Sith academy) as you try to stop a galaxy-destroying device called the Star Forge.

If you haven't played this one, play it. I'm not a huge RPG guy, but the story just sucks you in. The voice acting is incredible, the game's got plenty of heart and humor, and many of the side missions are fun. There's also a great reveal in the game that I won't spoil. If you've played it, you know what I'm talking about. Seriously, play it.



Battlefront II (Xbox, 2005)

It's a shame that an Xbox 360/PS3 Battlefront never got off the ground. While I've played Halo and some of the Call of Duty games, an Xbox 360 version of Battlefront would've owned my soul (even as other players owned me on the battlefield). A fantastic shooter with an epic scope, players reenact key battles from the Star Wars movies. The action is fast and furious. You pick a class and go to work, blasting away at the enemy.

During certain points of the game, you unlock powerful "hero" characters that can turn the tide of a battle. Players could also engage in some fun vehicular shenanigans as well.



The Force Unleashed (Xbox 360, 2009)

This game and I had our issues regarding the Star Destroyer level. Overall, though, I liked it. The game looked good, you really felt like you could do anything, and they put an emphasis on the story. While Vader's "secret apprentice" Starkiller is kind of tough to swallow, it allows for some decent storytelling.

The story ties in with the formation of the Rebellion, which is a nice touch. I remember fighting against AT-ST Walkers and Rancors. You could hold dozens of stormtroopers at bay with your Force powers and pull off some truly incredible feats. Some enemies were pretty tough (the purge troopers were really challenging on higher settings, as were the royal/shadow guards). Target-locking can be a problem, especially during encounters in which you have to hurl "junk" at enemies. Still, I think the game gets more right than it gets wrong, though some fans absolutely hate it. I never played the sequel (just its demo).



So...thank you, LucasArts. You had a good run. I mean...I didn't even include your non-Star Wars triumphs like Grim Fandango, Full Throttle, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, Maniac Mansion, Day of the Tentacle, and Monkey Island. I didn't mention some notable Star Wars games like Republic Commando, the Lego series, Episode I Racer, Starfighter, and Shadows of the Empire. To be fair, I didn't mention Kinect Star Wars. Until just now.

Seven Great Movie Deaths

My wife and I watched Lord of the Rings the other day, an act that spurred a debate on great movie deaths. A year or so ago, we came up with a list of dramatic deaths in movies we liked, so I decided to blog about it today.

As I started to put the list down, I realized most of these deaths involve some kind of noble sacrifice. Thus, I have concluded that a noble sacrifice makes for a great movie death.

Leonidas, 300 - Gerard Butler is awesome in this movie, a fictional retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae via Frank Miller's graphic novel 300. Somehow, this movie is both glitzy and gritty at the same time, but the star of the show is Butler's Leonidas. In the end, he refuses to bow before Xerxes, unleashing a final act of defiance that just misses its mark. Leonidas goes down in a blaze of glory (translation: arrows that blot out the sun), a strong character made legendary by sacrificing himself for his people.

Boromir, Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - Sean Bean is awesome. This is a verifiable fact. NOT an opinion, people. Boromir's death in The Fellowship of the Ring may be the best movie death in history. Here's Boromir, the flawed warrior who tried to take the One Ring from Frodo, rising to protect Merry and Pippin. He takes an arrow to the chest, and it looks like it's all over.

Not so fast!

Through sheer will, Boromir comes to his feet time and time again, taking a few Uruk-hai with him in the process. The odds are too great for him to survive, and the hobbits are eventually kidnapped. Still, Boromir manages to redeem himself, holding on long enough to part on good terms with Aragorn.

Katsumoto, The Last Samurai - This is a beautiful end. Katsumoto, branded a rebel by a government looking to modernize, dies in battle. Mortally wounded, he wants to end it to the Old Way, and does so with help from his friend and ally, Nathan Algren. The two formerly bitter enemies share a dramatic moment on the battlefield, and as the light leaves Katsumoto's eyes, he utters: "Perfect. They are all...perfect."

Almost better is this exchange during the ending:

Emperor: Tell me how he died.
Nathan Algren: I will tell you how he lived.

Maximus, Gladiator - Of course, the scheming Commodus tries to rig the final fight against the general who became a slave who became a gladiator. As he did in nearly everything, Commodus fails miserably, meeting his own death at the hands of Maximus. But Maximus Decimus Meridius still suffers mortal wounds.

After slaying the emperor, the gladiator makes a few simple requests, saying, "Quintus! Release my men. Senator Gracchus is to be reinstated. There was a dream that was Rome. It shall be realized. These are the wishes of Marcus Aurelius."

Shortly after that, Maximus collapses, finds himself wandering in a wheat field, and reunites with his departed family.

Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars - Darth Vader is "only a master of evil," and Obi-Wan Kenobi warns his former friend, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

As the old friends duel, Obi-Wan spots Luke Skywalker. A smile passes over his lips as he cedes the fight to his former apprentice. Obi-Wan is down, but not done. And the galaxy far, far away has a new hope.

Rorschach, Watchmen - Rorschach's dogged pursuit of the truth ends with an unnerving revelation: the World's Smartest Man, Ozymandias, has committed wholesale slaughter in a misguided attempt to save the world.

Misguided? Perhaps, but it's effective. Ozymandias accomplishes exactly what he set out to do, but Rorschach wants to tell people the truth.

"Never compromise, not even in the face of Armageddon," the masked avenger says.

Ozymandias and Dr. Manhattan realize they have a problem; if Rorschach talks, the world will never band together. And so Rorschach, reserved to his fate, removes his mask and stares down Dr. Manhattan.

"So what are you waiting for? Do it."

And with that, Rorschach is no more.

At least he left behind a journal.

Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - Spock's end in Wrath of Khan is simply amazing. Two friends get a final moment together, even though a wall separates them. The Vulcan has sacrificed himself to save the crew of the Enterprise, finding a way to win an impossible situation at an unimaginable price.

"Ship out of danger."

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."

"I have been and always shall be your friend."

And so Admiral Kirk loses his best friend, reminding us all that, "of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most...human."

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter Z

Well Your Highness, I guess this is it.

We've made it to the Letter Z!

Z is for Zev.

I don't think Zev Senesca's name is ever mentioned in The Empire Strikes Back, but if it weren't for him, it's entirely possible Luke would've never made it to Dagobah and Han Solo would've never found himself frozen in carbonite.

After Han mounted a tautaun and headed out to find Luke in Hoth's harsh conditions, the Rebels organized a search for their lost friends. Several snowspeeders covered different regions of the ice planet looking for Captain Solo and young Skywalker, but Zev is the man who found them:

ZEV: This is Rogue Two. This is Rogue Two. Captain Solo, do you copy? Commander Skywalker, do you copy? This is Rogue Two.

HAN: Good morning. Nice of you guys to drop by.

ZEV: Echo Base...this is Rogue Two. I found them. Repeat, I found them.

Of course, we didn't get to celebrate Zev's discovery for very long. After Luke took a dip in a Bacta tank, Imperial Walkers landed on Hoth. Zev climbed into his snowspeeder once more...and it ended up being his last mission. An AT-AT walker cut down the man who found the lost heroes.

That brings us to the end of Matt's Star Wars ABC's.

Or wait...is it!??

Coming soon at an undetermined point in your future!
Y is for Yoda
X is for X-Wing
W is for Wedge
V is for Vader
U is for Ugnaught
T is for Tatooine
S is for Star Destroyer
R is for Rancor
Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter Y

Just two letters left in the alphabet!

The penultimate entry in my Star Wars ABC's is a no-brainer!

Y is for Yoda!

Yoda is the Mr. Miyagi of the Star Wars universe (which, of course, makes Luke The Karate Kid).

At first glance, he doesn't look like much. Impish, foolish, buffoonish...a small-minded, wide-eyed creature who doesn't understand things like technology or acceptable norms of personal space.

This dummy's no dummy, however.

Yoda's the smartest being you'll ever meet. Strike that; he's the wisest being you'll ever meet.

Don't be fooled by his cuddly Muppet exterior, for within Yoda beats the heart of a Jedi Master. Impossible to please, his training methods are unorthodox (I don't remember any of my baseball coaches forcing me to strap them to my back and run through a forest), but his calm, understated determination will win over even the most skeptical Jedi prodigy. Unless, of course, your name is Luke, you rush off in the middle of training to fight Darth Vader, and then return to "complete" your training only to cover Yoda with a blanket and watch him disappear.

Other than his small size and Grover voice, Yoda's most memorable trait would be his cryptic, backward speech pattern.

Actual person: I can help you.
Yoda: Help you I can.

Actual person: I'll take you to him.
Yoda: Take you to him I will.

Actual person: It's time for the Jedi to eat.
Yoda: For the Jedi it is time to eat as well.

Actual person: I've watched this one for a long time.
Yoda: This one, a long time have I watched.

TOMORROW: The final installment of my Star Wars ABC's! Meet the unsung hero of The Empire Strikes Back!

X is for X-Wing
W is for Wedge
V is for Vader
U is for Ugnaught
T is for Tatooine
S is for Star Destroyer
R is for Rancor
Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - Letter X

Just three more letters left in the alphabet for my Star Wars ABC's.

X is for X-Wing.

The X-Wing is the backbone of the Alliance's starfighter corps. A sturdy ship produced by Incom, the X-Wing is perfect for both long-range missions and hit-and-fade encounters. Unlike the Empire's TIE fighters, X-Wings are equipped with hyperdrives that give them a certain sense of autonomy. While housed by Alliance frigates, the starfighters can operate independently thanks to their long-range capabilities.

While the X-Wing is maneuverable and fast, Imperial TIE fighters still have the edge in speed and agility. The Alliance's fighters, however, are equipped with shields, a feature that gives the X-Wing durability and endurance in a dogfight.

The X-Wing fighter is featured in every movie in the Original Trilogy. Pilots fly them during the assault on the Death Star in Star Wars, Luke uses his to fly to both Dagobah and Bespin in The Empire Strikes Back, and the venerable fighter is also instrumental in destroying the Second Death Star in Return of the Jedi.

TOMORROW: Obvious the choice is for the letter Y.

W is for Wedge
V is for Vader
U is for Ugnaught
T is for Tatooine
S is for Star Destroyer
R is for Rancor
Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter W

For Friday, we concentrate on the letter "W."

W is for Wedge.

Not every hero has to brandish a lightsaber.

Not every pilot has to have the Force to do his job well.

Wedge Antilles proves it.

Wedge is your old, reliable buddy. The responsible one who's always there as the designated driver. Even when things go south, it doesn't shake him. You envy him for that.

A "minor" character who appeared in the original trilogy, Wedge served with valor at the battles of Yavin, Hoth, and Endor. He played a major role in the assault on the first Dreaded Death Star and had an actual hand (er...proton torpedo) in the destruction of the second one.

A skilled pilot, he could probably best Luke Skywalker if Luke turned off his Force powers for a few minutes.

I love Wedge, who always came off as a cool guy to hang around with. Thank the Force for giving him these quotes:

"Look at the size of that thing!"

"Wow! That got him!"

MONDAY: Lock S-foils in attack position!

V is for Vader
U is for Ugnaught
T is for Tatooine
S is for Star Destroyer
R is for Rancor
Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter V

We've almost reach the end of this week's Star Wars ABC's series, but we have a very important one today.

V is for Vader!

There are nightmares, bogeymen, and other unpleasantries.

And then there's Darth Vader.

Encased in a life-giving suit, he's more machine now than man, twisted and evil. At least, that's what his friends say. He doesn't appreciate a good joke and is incapable of playing nice with others. Vader is as Vader does...and Vader does as his Emperor commands.

When I was a very, very young child, Vader scared me. While sleeping in my room at night, I thought I saw his shadow standing in the corner and imagined his synthesized breaths. If I got out of bed, he'd switch on his lightsaber and hack me to pieces.

Good news: I fear him no more.

Part of it's growing up; part of it's knowing that Hayden Freaking Christensen is inside that suit with his pedantic whining and monotone delivery ("One day, I will be the most powerful Jedi EVER!").

Okay, it's mostly growing up; I just wanted to take a stab at the Greatest Canadian Actor Ever.

Vader is the iconic big screen baddie. Mysterious, ruthless, driven, and unafraid to leave a few bodies in his wake (Obi-Wan Kenobi, Admiral Ozzel, Captain Needa, that poor Tantive IV commander, Luke's hand, assorted Jedi & other malcontents).

Without Vader, there is no Star Wars.

TOMORROW: A reliable wing man who helped destroy two Death Stars; a real Rogue.

U is for Ugnaught
T is for Tatooine
S is for Star Destroyer
R is for Rancor
Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter U

For Wednesday, oink it up with the letter "U."

U is for Ugnaughts.

You're Lando Calrissian, ladies man and Colt 45 spokesman. A card player, gambler, scoundrel--you'd like him. You just won this Tibanna gas mine in a game of sabacc, and you need people to work for you.

What do you do?

You hire pig-men. Pygmy, snorting, hateful little pig-men.

Ugnaughts are the cable installers of the Star Wars world, the auto mechanics and utility workers and plumbers. I imagine Ugnaughts getting together on Sunday (or whatever they call it on Bespin) and sitting down to watch football together. They'd probably all have fantasy football teams, too. I bet Ugnaughts would know better than to select a kicker in the first round of their fantasy draft.



Sure, the little cretins nearly incinerated C-3PO and were instrumental in making sure Han Solo was "alive and in perfect hibernation," but they were just doing their jobs.

Because that's what Ugnaughts do.

TOMORROW: A surprisingly intimidating asthmatic.

T is for Tatooine
S is for Star Destroyer
R is for Rancor
Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter T

"T" is for Tuesday...and Tatooine.

Ah, Tatooine, the Cradle of Skywalkers.

We were introduced to this pathetic "go nowhere" planet in the first Star Wars movie when a fateful battle erupted between a Rebel blockade runner and a Star Destroyer. An escape pod carrying two certain droids crash-landed on Tatooine...which is kind of your small-town, no future, single traffic light town.

Luke Skywalker implies nothing exciting ever happens on Tatooine.

Obviously, Luke's Uncle Owen never let him march down to the Tatooine Historical Society.

If he had, he would've discovered the following facts:

1) The escape pod wasn't the first ship to crash-land in the sand
2) His father grew up there...he ended up being kind of important
3) His grandmother died there
4) There's an annual podracing competition that is probably the economic lifeblood of the pathetic planet
5) Obscure, unimportant Tatooine appeared in each of the prequel movies

So...um...yeah. Tatooine is kind of like the small-town high school that annually produces top-flight athletes, yet somehow manages to retain a certain, dismissive anonymity.

And did you see this? Tatooine exists in real life!

TOMORROW: Short and ugly, they may have been what Kramer actually spotted in an episode of "Seinfeld."

S is for Star Destroyer
R is for Rancor
Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter S

We're not finished yet! My Star Wars ABC's kicks off another week...just eight more letters left in the alphabet!

S is for Star Destroyer.

Before there was the Death Star, there was the Star Destroyer, a big, sinister, bombastic symbol of Imperial might.

I've always been a fan of the wedge shape, which is undoubtedly intimidating. They are the backbone of the Imperial fleet, huge ships carrying more than 47,000 personnel and a complement of 48 TIE fighters plus TIE variants, shuttles, gunboats, and AT-AT Walkers.

When a Star Destroyer parks itself outside your planet, you'd better hope your energy shield can hold. Then you'd better hope your defenses can stop the AT-AT and AT-ST walkers from destroying your energy source. If those fail, you'd better have a shuttle on standby for a quick escape, because the orbital bombardment is going to be brutal. You see, the Empire doesn't care about things like "collateral damage," and it sure as hell isn't interested in a "surgical strike" (at least, not in most circumstances).

And no one--no one--can forget how huge the Star Destroyer looked when it roared across the screen at the beginning of Star Wars.

TOMORROW: "If there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from." You know, if that's true...why does so much happen there?

R is for Rancor
Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter R

Today is the release day for Star Wars on Blu-ray!

I've been anticipating the release with my Star Wars ABC's...and we're now up to the letter "R."

R is for Rancor.

Childhood memories are funny, fuzzy things, but I distinctly remember going to see Return of the Jedi with my parents and brother.

I also distinctly remember how large the Rancor looked on the big screen. A fearsome, loathsome, scary, and mistreated beast, the Rancor is Jabba's favorite way to dispose of those who disappoint or betray him.

With the press of a button, they go into the Rancor Pit, where the starved behemoth is ready to catch its quarry and have a much-needed snack, all while Jabba and his demented court watch and place bets on how long the poor victim will last before the Rancor grabs it in its clutches.

Luke Skywalker finally puts the monstrosity out of its misery by crushing it with a gigantic gate. In proof that everyone has a friend, the Rancor's keeper is deeply upset by the creature's death, prompting one of the most touching images in all of Star Wars:

Nothing cranks up the emotion like a shirtless fat guy crying.
MONDAY: Let's call it the Humvee of the Imperial fleet.

Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter Q

We turn today to the letter "Q."

Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn.

For the most part, my Star Wars ABC's have kept to the original trilogy.

That is by design.

Star Wars is one of the most influential movies ever made. Its sequels are equally influential. Its prequels are not as highly regarded (to say the least).

However, I loved Liam Neeson's character in Episode I. He is Qui-Gon Jinn, a stately Jedi mentor with a rebellious streak. He does not always see eye-to-eye with the Jedi Council on many matters, yet serves the Republic to the best of his abilities. In my opinion, Qui-Gon is the single most important character in the prequel trilogy. Though he appears only in the first movie (he has a voice cameo from beyond in Episode II and gets mentioned in Episode III), he finds Anakin Skywalker, recognizes the boy's talents, and becomes determined to train Anakin regardless of the Jedi Council's apprehension.

That's where his rebellious nature gets the best of him. Had he listened, it's entirely possible possible Darth Vader would never have come to pass.

A better galaxy, you say?

Perhaps.

But then, whose children would've brought down the Empire? And, more importantly, who would've thrown the Emperor down the drain?

TOMORROW: A fat man cries over its death because even the most loathsome creature has friends!

P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter P

Today's entry focuses on the letter "P."

P is for Probe Droid. Or probot.

For years, I was convinced The Empire Strikes Back had a subtitle at the beginning that said, "edited for television."

That's because, as the probe droid was launched from a Star Destroyer to Hoth, "edited for television" popped up on the VHS copy my parents had taped off TV. As that was my primary version of ESB, it seems inherently wrong to watch it now without those words flashing across the screen (consequently, I also kind of miss the old WISHTV logo that used to come up in the corner of Star Wars).

I digress.

The Imperial Probe Droid (now apparently the "Viper probe droid" in official SW lingo) is the Empire's creepy, crafty little spy machine. Equipped with sensor packets and sample-collecting arms, thousands of the insect-like machines scoured the galaxy for any sign of the Rebel Alliance. Apparently, the Galactic Empire was kind of ticked off after that whole "destruction of the Death Star" thing.

A probe droid was dispatched to the sixth planet of the Hoth system, where it found a power signature consistent with one used by the Rebels. The droid sent back only a fragment of its information--it self-destructed after Han and Chewie confronted it--but it was enough to convince Darth Vader that "the Rebels are there."

Thus, the creepy-looking droid pretty much catalyzed every single event of The Empire Strikes Back.

TOMORROW: The only prequel character worthy of inclusion in my Star Wars ABC's!

O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter O

Star Wars ABC's continues this Tuesday with "O."

O is for Owen.

Whether you call him Owen Lars, Uncle Owen, or simply "Luke's psychologically abusive uncle," he's an important character in the Star Wars universe. While Obi-Wan watches the galaxy's new hope from a distance, Owen and his wife Beru are tasked with raising the boy.

Owen is the crotchety old guy you can never quite please; the man who wears a mask of disapproval no matter what you do. He is resentful and spiteful, but he has his reasons. He watched his stepbrother fall to the Dark Side (in a bit of prequel retroactive continuity, of course), something he wants to prevent from happening to young Luke. How continually berating his nephew and keeping him from doing anything even slightly stimulating in his life will protect him from the Dark Side is beyond me.

TOMORROW: It came from SPAAAAAAAAACE....

N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter N

The third week of Star Wars ABC's forges onward as we anticipate the release of the movie trilogies on Blu-ray!

N is for Needa.

"Sir, the ship no longer appears on our scopes."

"They can't have disappeared. No ship that small has a cloaking device."

"Captain, Lord Vader demands an update on the pursuit."

"Get a shuttle ready. I shall assume full responsibility for losing them, and apologize to Lord Vader."

The universe never turned on someone more quickly than Captain Needa. One moment, he had Darth Vader's prize--the Millennium Falcon--in his clutches; the next, the Falcon was gone.

Of course, Lord Vader wanted to know what was going on (a crewmember likely tweeted that Needa's Star Destroyer, the Avenger, was in hot pursuit of the galaxy's most wanted space pirate)...and Needa, being a noble officer, fell on his sword.

Or, more accurately, the deck of Vader's Executor.

"Apology accepted, Captain Needa."

TOMORROW: He's the man who refuses to let Luke go to the Tosche Station to pick up some power converters.

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter M

We wrap up this week with the letter "M."

M is for Mon Mothma.

In a sense, Mon Mothma is the anti-Emperor.

Like Palpatine, we don't see her until the third movie of the original trilogy (ESB hologram transmission notwithstanding). Like Palpatine, she's in charge. Like Palpatine, she has a memorable presence.

But where Palpatine chews the scenery and tells people how great he is and how much of a genius he is for springing the trap that will end the Alliance (which, of course, turns out to be the trap that ends his own Empire), Mon Mothma stands with a quiet confidence befitting of someone who works in the background to unseat a great evil.

"The Emperor has made a critical error, and the time for our attack has come."

Mon Mothma means this; is still idealistic enough to believe her Bothan spies could shake down the Empire for a crucial piece of information: the plans for the second Death Star and the Emperor's decision to personally oversee the final stages of construction.

She only has a few lines, but they are memorable, especially this one: "Many Bothans died to bring us this information."

Regal. Refined. Relentless.

MONDAY: Darth Vader DOES accept apologies!

M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter L

Star Wars ABC's continues with the letter "L."

L is for Lightsaber.

It is neither as clumsy nor random as a blaster.

It takes skill to master and an affinity for the Force to build.

It is the lightsaber, the weapon of a Jedi Knight.

Capable of cutting through just about anything, the lightsaber is the ultimate fantasy weapon. It's the one thing you've seen in the movies that you wish you could have right now. Even people who've never seen Star Wars recognize the tell-tale whooshing sound geeks delight in making while waving an imaginary sword (or a broom handle or a baseball bat or a dowel rod...).

I'd go so far to say that the lightsaber is, in a sense, Star Wars.

Iconic. Futuristic. Sleek.

TOMORROW: Many Bothans died. We know it because she told us so.

L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter K

The letter "K."

K is for Kenobi.

Some people claim Obi-Wan in a lying, manipulative SOB.

I guess they have a point. He only told Luke part of the story; didn't reveal the truth about his father, only the symbolic Vader "betrayed and murdered your father" nonsense.

Perhaps Star Wars' Obi-Wan Kenobi didn't know what he was talking about. Maybe the trilogy wasn't really a trilogy at that time. Perhaps he really meant Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker were truly two different people.

Or he's just a lying SOB.

He knew Luke had a sister, but didn't reveal that to him. That mistake nearly turned out to be incestuous. He didn't bother to tell the young man who yearned to learn more about his father that his father happened to be the galaxy's #1 badass. And Obi-Wan Kenobi conveniently forgot to add that he was the one responsible for turning Luke's dad into a torso with droid legs and droid arms.

"He's more machine now than man, twisted and evil."

That tends to happen when your best friend cuts off all your limbs and leaves you for dead.

All of this is with tongue firmly planted in cheek, of course. The Obi-Wan of the original trilogy is a haunted hermit who's seen a man fall from grace and has vowed that man's son wouldn't stray down the same dark path. And yet, despite Obi-Wan's help and guidance, the son nearly follows the father.

Because he is young. He is brash. He is a Skywalker.

And while Kenobi couldn't see the good left in his old friend, the son believed just enough.

A final lesson.

Obi-Wan has taught you well.

TOMORROW: An elegant weapon for a more civilized age!

J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar