Star Wars ABC's - The Letter R

Today is the release day for Star Wars on Blu-ray!

I've been anticipating the release with my Star Wars ABC's...and we're now up to the letter "R."

R is for Rancor.

Childhood memories are funny, fuzzy things, but I distinctly remember going to see Return of the Jedi with my parents and brother.

I also distinctly remember how large the Rancor looked on the big screen. A fearsome, loathsome, scary, and mistreated beast, the Rancor is Jabba's favorite way to dispose of those who disappoint or betray him.

With the press of a button, they go into the Rancor Pit, where the starved behemoth is ready to catch its quarry and have a much-needed snack, all while Jabba and his demented court watch and place bets on how long the poor victim will last before the Rancor grabs it in its clutches.

Luke Skywalker finally puts the monstrosity out of its misery by crushing it with a gigantic gate. In proof that everyone has a friend, the Rancor's keeper is deeply upset by the creature's death, prompting one of the most touching images in all of Star Wars:

Nothing cranks up the emotion like a shirtless fat guy crying.
MONDAY: Let's call it the Humvee of the Imperial fleet.

Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn
P is for Probe Droid
O is for Owen
N is for Needa
M is for Mon Mothma
L is for Lightsaber
K is for Kenobi
J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter N

The third week of Star Wars ABC's forges onward as we anticipate the release of the movie trilogies on Blu-ray!

N is for Needa.

"Sir, the ship no longer appears on our scopes."

"They can't have disappeared. No ship that small has a cloaking device."

"Captain, Lord Vader demands an update on the pursuit."

"Get a shuttle ready. I shall assume full responsibility for losing them, and apologize to Lord Vader."

The universe never turned on someone more quickly than Captain Needa. One moment, he had Darth Vader's prize--the Millennium Falcon--in his clutches; the next, the Falcon was gone.

Of course, Lord Vader wanted to know what was going on (a crewmember likely tweeted that Needa's Star Destroyer, the Avenger, was in hot pursuit of the galaxy's most wanted space pirate)...and Needa, being a noble officer, fell on his sword.

Or, more accurately, the deck of Vader's Executor.

"Apology accepted, Captain Needa."

TOMORROW: He's the man who refuses to let Luke go to the Tosche Station to pick up some power converters.

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter K

The letter "K."

K is for Kenobi.

Some people claim Obi-Wan in a lying, manipulative SOB.

I guess they have a point. He only told Luke part of the story; didn't reveal the truth about his father, only the symbolic Vader "betrayed and murdered your father" nonsense.

Perhaps Star Wars' Obi-Wan Kenobi didn't know what he was talking about. Maybe the trilogy wasn't really a trilogy at that time. Perhaps he really meant Darth Vader and Anakin Skywalker were truly two different people.

Or he's just a lying SOB.

He knew Luke had a sister, but didn't reveal that to him. That mistake nearly turned out to be incestuous. He didn't bother to tell the young man who yearned to learn more about his father that his father happened to be the galaxy's #1 badass. And Obi-Wan Kenobi conveniently forgot to add that he was the one responsible for turning Luke's dad into a torso with droid legs and droid arms.

"He's more machine now than man, twisted and evil."

That tends to happen when your best friend cuts off all your limbs and leaves you for dead.

All of this is with tongue firmly planted in cheek, of course. The Obi-Wan of the original trilogy is a haunted hermit who's seen a man fall from grace and has vowed that man's son wouldn't stray down the same dark path. And yet, despite Obi-Wan's help and guidance, the son nearly follows the father.

Because he is young. He is brash. He is a Skywalker.

And while Kenobi couldn't see the good left in his old friend, the son believed just enough.

A final lesson.

Obi-Wan has taught you well.

TOMORROW: An elegant weapon for a more civilized age!

J is for Jabba
I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter J

For Tuesday, we turn to the letter "J."

J is for Jabba.

He's repulsive, but he's got an eye for the ladies. If he had feet, he'd never see them. And when it comes to "smugglers who drop their shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser," he hangs them on the wall as decorations.

Jabba the Hutt is a filthy, disgusting, stomach-turning villain. From his wormy, slug-like body to his T-Rex arms and bulbous eyes, everything about him is repulsive. He belches, eats live appetizers in front of guests, and can't even move on his own.

If Jabba were a human being, he'd park himself on a plush couch in front of a 65-inch HDTV with a bag of cheese puffs, a gigantic bowl of popcorn, and an endless supply of soda or beer while watching football all day, every day. And then he'd pit his friends against one another in MMA fights in his own living room. He'd probably make a killing on the meth market. He'd never shower and never shave, but no one would tell him he smelled because they like playing Xbox and watching Blu-rays and dig the live, unsanctioned MMA bouts. And they'd never make Jabba mad because he'd go freaking Goodfellas Joe Pesci on them.

A reviled gangster, indeed.

TOMORROW: Now that's a name I've not heard in a long time. A long time.

I is for "I know"
H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter I

Let's kick off week 2 of my Star Wars ABC's with the letter "I."

I is for "I know."

This is one of the most powerful lines in all the Star Wars, ranking up there with "I am your father" in terms of impact.

It was such a Han Solo Thing to say; such a definitive Han Solo Moment. The line was pitch-perfect in every way.

Except it almost never came to pass.

The story is legendary. George Lucas had originally scripted Han to say, "I love you, too" after Leia professed her love for him. Harrison Ford felt the line was out of character; that a rogue like Han Solo would not simply blubber "I love you, too."

He and Lucas haggled about it. When it came time to shoot the scene, Empire director Irvin Kershner told Ford to improvise.

Thus, "I know" became a part of Star Wars lore.

Can you imagine it any other way?

TOMORROW: He doesn't doesn't just hang smugglers; he hangs them on his wall!

H is for Hoth
G is for Galactic Empire
F is for Falcon
E is for Emperor
D is for Death Star
C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar

Star Wars ABC's - The Letter D

On Friday, I kicked off a new blog series, Star Wars ABC's, with a post covering the first three letters of the alphabet. As we start this week and anticipate the Blu-ray release of the Star Wars movies next month, we move today to the letter "D."

D is for Death Star.

"That's no moon. That's a space station," Obi-Wan Kenobi says with eerie certainty. Han Solo doesn't believe him; then again, Han doesn't believe in the Force.

The Death Star is the Galactic Empire's ultimate weapon, a moon-size space station intended to deter any thought of disobedience or rebellion.

How serious are these guys? They blew up Alderaan (side note: years later, we would learn Jimmy Smits was on Alderaan as well).

Nothing says oppression like a hulking, gray sphere with a green laser capable of turning any planet into an asteroid field.

Fortunately for the Rebel Alliance, the Death Star is like the big bully on the playground. He looks big, he acts mean, he seems tough, but if you kick him in a certain area, he goes down like a game of Jenga. For the Death Star, the delicate scrotal area happens to be a "small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port."

And while it's ray-shielded, it's still susceptible to proton torpedoes. Because the Empire doesn't consider a small, one-man fighter to be a threat. Otherwise, well, they would've had a better defense strategy.

So Luke Skywalker launches his proton torpedoes after switching off his targeting computer, using the Force to kick the bully in the balls.

The end result?

KABOOM! (years later, we would learn the Death Star explosion had a Praxis-like shockwave ring)

Boom goes the dynamite.
The loss of the Death Star left the Emperor mildly agitated. I'm not sure if it was his idea or what, but he decided to build a second Death Star. Somehow, he managed to keep the whole thing secret despite the fact it was larger and more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star. He decided to leak the idea to the Alliance's Bothan spies and then set a trap for Luke Skywalker and his friends.

Had it worked, the Mighty Galactic Empire would've decimated its enemy and gained a new Sith Lord (years later, we would find out about the Sith's "Rule of Two," which I guess means Luke was supposed to kill Vader or the Emperor expected both of them to team up and destroy him. Or maybe he wanted the Sith Order's first-ever Leadership Triumvirate).

Instead, the Mighty Galactic Empire allowed a bunch of spear-toting Care Bears to defeat its "elite" Stormtroopers (years later, we would discover clone-inbreeding may have been a factor in the targeting inaccuracy of the Empire's crack shocktroopers), bringing down the protective shield and giving the Rebels access to the Death Star's exposed superstructure.

After a few Colts 45's, Lando flew the Falcon into the Dreaded Death Star and destroyed its Dreaded Main Reactors.

At least it wasn't a small thermal exhaust port the second time around.

TOMORROW: The letter "E." He is evil. He is smug. And his touch is electric!

C is for Chewie
B is for Bespin
A is for Ackbar