Christmas Quote #7

Today's quote comes from "A Charlie Brown Christmas," which I completely missed on TV this year. Between the sad, little tree Charlie Brown brings home, Snoopy's decorating hijinks, and the Christmas pageant, it's a true holiday classic.

As Charlie Brown is apt, he becomes a bit depressed with the holiday season, lamenting the glitz and commercialism that have marred the birth of the Savior. Good thing for Charlie Brown--and all of us--that trusty ol' Linus is there to set the record straight.

"And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them! And they were sore afraid ... And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not! For, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all my people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ, the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.'

And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the Heavenly Host praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth peace, and good will toward men.'

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

Bravo, Linus! Bravo!

Christmas Quote #6

"The Polar Express" seems to be one of those movies you either love or hate. Much of it has to do with how well you stomach computer-generated characters and how much you fear heading into that Uncanny Valley. I've read comments from a lot of reviews that praise the movie's art, but are completely creeped out by the "dead-eye, petrified zombie stare" of the computer-generated characters.

Hey, I know it's not perfect, but characters and their "soulless eyes" don't make me shudder in the least. I happen to like "The Polar Express." Perhaps it's because Tom Hanks plays every role in the movie or maybe it's because there's a Steven Tyler elf in there somewhere. But it probably has more to do with the movie's theme of believing in something no matter what others think, and having that faith rewarded.

"At one time most of my friends could hear the bell, but as years passed it fell silent for all of them. Even Sarah found one Christmas that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old the bell still rings for me, as it does for all who truly believe."

I can totally still hear the bell.

Christmas Quote #5

"The Santa Clause" is an incredibly fun 1994 holiday opus starring Tim Allen. And this was Tim Allen at his high point, when "Home Improvement" was going strong, Allen released a book that shot to No.1 on the bestseller list, and this movie was tops at the box office.

The movie tells the story of frustrated divorcee Scott Calvin, who isn't handling life very well. His precocious son Charlie is visiting for Christmas, but Scott seems more interested in verbally sparring with his ex-wife and her husband Neil than taking care of his son Charlie. After Scott reads "Twas the Night Before Christmas" to his son, the boy hears a "clatter" on the roof and forces his father to check it out. They find a man on the rooftop...and Scott thinks it's a burglar.

When he yells at the guy, the red-clad man slips and falls...Scott Calvin has killed Santa Claus. So, he puts on the suit, does his best to deliver toys, and plays Santa for the night, not realizing that, by putting on the suit, he is legally bound to BE SANTA CLAUS FOREVER.

There are several quotes from this one, but I'll reference one today that my wife and I often cite. It happens when the police capture Scott in full Santa Claus regalia...and then try to interrogate him.

Detective: "Look, I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. So let's make this simple: I say 'name', you say 'Scott Calvin.' Name?"

Scott Calvin: "Kris Kringle."

Detective: "Name?"

Scott Calvin: "Sinterklaas."

Detective: "Name!"

Scott Calvin: "Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio!"

Detective: "Okay, Calvin, maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind."

Christmas Quote #4

Today's Christmas quote harkens back to a more innocent time, when a visionary man became disillusioned with the commercialization of Christmas and decided that there must be a better way. And so this visionary man crafted a holiday for everyone. A holiday that celebrated family and togetherness with Feats of Strength, the Airing of Grievances, and an aluminum pole that stood as tall and true as the pureness of that visionary man's holiday spirit.

Festivus was born, and the world would never be the same.

"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be a better way...Out of that, a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!"

Sadly, Festivus proved to be too "out there" even for Kramer. That should tell you something about Frank Costanza.

Christmas Quote #3

"White Christmas" is a favorite in both of my families. I don't lead a double life or anything like that...it's just that it literally isn't Christmas unless my father watches this movie around the holidays (and typically multiple times at that). The "other" side of the family would be my wife and in-laws...who are equally obsessed with the adventures of Bob Wallace and Phil Davis.

However, it's my wife who takes the "White Christmas" cake. She has a ceremonial viewing of the movie on Thanksgiving Day that kicks off a non-stop "White Christmas" viewing party through the end of December. If you enter our home at any time during that span, you're likely to hear "The Best Things Happen While You're Dancing," "Love You Didn't Do Right by Me," "Mandy," "(We'll Follow) The Old Man," "Count Your Blessings," "Snow," "What Can You Do with a General?," "Sisters," or the titular "White Christmas." If I'm around and/or particularly cranky, you may find yourself skipping right through "Choreography."

The 1954 gem features Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye as two old World War Two buddies who become successful producers and performers. Crosby's Bob Wallace was already well-established, but after Danny Kaye's Phil Davis gets injured while saving Wallace's life in the war, the two become an inseparable pair...even though Wallace wryly muses about how much better life would be without the headaches that come along with having Phil Davis as a friend.

The two end up at an inn in Vermont run by their old rundown commander, General Waverly. Problem is, there's no snow in Vermont, the general put his life savings into the business, and no one's gonna be flocking to Pine Tree to see "all that snow." Wallace and Davis have a honey of a brainstorm, deciding to bring their whole show to the general's inn to bolster business. They team up with the Haynes Sisters (Betty and Judy), who bring their own angles and romantic intrigue into the mix.

You see, Phil wants Bob to get a girl and get out of his hair. So he tries to fix him up with Betty...even though Bob resists. But before all that, Wallace and Davis have to save the girls from being arrested by a penny-pinching landlord. Well...really, it's Phil Davis who's doing the rescuing. He gives the sisters his and Wallace's train tickets and comes up with a brilliant idea to buy the girls some time to escape...

Bob: "I've got a feeling I'm not gonna like it."

Phil: "I've got a feeling you're gonna hate it."

Bob: "Well, what am I doing it for?"

Phil: "Let's just say..."

TOGETHER: "We're doing it for a pal in the army."

Bob was right: he wasn't gonna like this. On a completely unrelated note, I won $50 at the after prom talent show for lip-syncing to this very performance with an old high school buddy.

Christmas Quote #2

Let's have another joyous Christmas Quote from Elf!

Another great, quotable line from Buddy, who...when confronted by a store Santa Claus...declares that the imposter smells like beef and cheese. But he's not finished there:

"You sit on a throne of lies."

Christmas Movie Quote #1

Christmas is nearly here...and I'm sharing my favorite Christmas quotes! I'll have all the classics (White Christmas, It's a Wonderful Life, Christmas Vacation), a few not-so-classics (like Arnold Schwarzenegger's all-time holiday smash hit movie Jingle All the Way), some "new classics" (Elf), TV specials (yes...deviating from the "Movie" part of the "Movie Quote of the Day"), and much, much more (although really: what "more" is there?).

We kick of our special coverage with my absolute favorite quote from Elf. It happens a little past midway through the movie, when Buddy's real dad participates in "Bring Your Elf to Work Day." Buddy sits in his office, complains about the bad-tasting hot chocolate (which is actually coffee), and then springs across the room to answer the phone.

"Buddy the Elf. What's your favorite color?"

I think we can all agree that the world would be a much better place if everyone answered the phone that way.

Merry Christmas from The Tick!

I have a notebook where I keep a lot of story ideas. It's full of things like outlines for books I've been writing, concepts for short stories, character biographies, and a few other odds and ends.

This notebook also contains some inane crap--like statistics for the Fake Purdue Boilermakers that I used to (seriously) write newspaper-length stories about, complete with pictures and sometimes video clips (again, seriously).

But I realized something the other day when I was flipping through the notebook. It's actually from high school. It contains a few aborted attempts at homework assignments, an unfinished journal entry or two, and some random scribblings from my ill-spent youth.

One particular stretch of light pencil scratches needed to be preserved and shared with the masses. It involves my reworking of "The Night Before Christmas" adjusted for the cartoon show "The Tick." I know...it's weird (though perhaps not as weird as writing about a video game football team AT LENGTH -- see here and here).

"The Tick" was a fantastic, early/mid-90s cartoon on Fox. It followed the adventures of a doofy, moronic, well-intentioned, and nigh-invulnerable superhero named the Tick. Along with his sidekick Arthur, the Tick fought evil and usually won. The show poked fun at almost every imaginable superhero cliche and I absolutely loved it. One of my high school buddies and I (you know who you are) were OBSESSED with the show.

And so that obsession turned into the following shoddy verses of rhyme. For the first time in more than a decade, I present to you: The Tick's Night Before Christmas.

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the City
No criminals stirred
The night inherently giddy

Evil was off for the night
This was for certain
But curious children
Still peered through their curtains

With the citizenry nestled
All safe in their beds
Sweet dreams of Christmas
Abuzz in their heads

Die Fledermaus in his black cape
And I in my Sewer Urchin cap
Had just finished arguing
Which one was the sap

When out on the street
There arose a great noise
I sprang from the sewer
With my crime-fighting toys

I hefted the manhole
And stepped onto the street
Then mightily struggled
To stay on my feet

When what to my Urchin goggles
Should be taken aback
But a flying mothman
With a large man on his back

With a big rider
So blue and so thick
I realized that moment
It’s my friend, the Tick!

“On Arthur, keep going!
It’s Christmas Eve, pal!
We’re keeping evil away
And packing some holiday wow!”

“We’re bringing justice
To each house and each hall”
And then Arthur whimpered
“We’re gonna fall!”

Their strange engine of justice
Came to a stop
Then hit the ground
With a thunderous PLOP!

The Tick wiped himself off
And to his sidekick’s chagrin
Ran to a light pole
And started to spin

His azure streak
Flew ‘round the pole
To which Arthur exclaimed
“Watch out! The manhole!”

Quickly I sidestepped
The high-flying Tick
Who dropped into the manhole
His fall shockingly quick

“I am unhurt”
He said in a hurry
“But let’s give out the presents
Before my vision goes blurry”

He was dressed all in blue
From antenna to feet
His blueberry tights
Form-fitting, not quite indiscreet

His smile so white
His pectorals flexing
His height was immense
And inherently vexing

Tall, blue, and strong
Far from an elf
I laughed when I saw him
In spite of my self

With a big blue thumbs up
And Arthur’s pained sigh
He gave indication
Once more they would fly

“Santa’s helpers, chum
That’s what we’ll be
So let’s start performing
Maneuver Fifteen-C”

He climbed onto the moth’s back
And ignored Arthur’s pain
Telling his glum sidekick
Not to complain

They rose into the twilight
Past the Chairface-marred moon
“Merry Christmas!” he thundered
“And to all I say SPOON!”